The sexual relationship is how the couple expresses their sexuality with each other, and builds a shared experience of sexuality. It includes communicating about the sexual relationship; navigating sexual differences; communicating during sexual activity; sharing sexual emotions, thoughts, desires, and fantasies; expressing vulnerability; connecting emotionally; sharing sexual meaning; and connecting through shared sexual behaviour and experiences. The sexual relationship itself, is supported by the foundation of the overall couple relationship. (1, 2)

Just like the broader relationship, it is important to be mindful of how patterns of disconnection, criticism, defensiveness, and avoidance can show up in the sexual relationship. (3) These dynamics can have a significantly negative impact, more than the physical act of sex or lack thereof.

Not only do we have a relationship with others, we have a relationship with our own self. When it comes to sexuality, it is important to consider our relationship to our bodies, relationship with our own thoughts and feelings about sexuality, relationship with our experience and expression of sexuality. This might look like sexual self-esteem, sexual self-knowledge, self-acceptance, being comfortable in your own body and skin. (4, 5)

A positive relationship with one’s own sexuality contributes to sexual wellbeing, regardless of relationship status or sexual activity. It may require self-forgiveness for past sexual experiences, or healing sexual shame. (4, 6) How an individual’s relationship with their own sexuality is expressed may be different from individual to individual, influenced by one’s values.

Whether single or in a romantic relationship, a person’s relationship with their sexuality has ripple effects into their friendships, family, and community. (7)

In a committed romantic relationship it is important to consider the sexual relationship sits within the broader context of the overall relationship. Just as the overall relationship influences the sexual relationship, the sexual relationship can impact the relationship as a whole.

In healthy relationships, the sexual relationship has a vitalising effect on the overall relationship, nurtured by the overall love, trust, commitment, and emotional intimacy in the overall relationship. In healthy relationships, the vitalising, positive influence of a healthy sexual relationship is approximately 15-20%. (3)

In contrast, a dysfunctional sexual relationship has a disproportionately negative impact on a couple relationship. In unhappy couples, a dysfunctional sexual relationship can contribute towards 50-70% of a couple’s overall relationship distress. (8) In a healthy relationship, sexual activity is just one of many things that adds to the overall couple satisfaction. Whereas, in an unhappy relationship a conflicted sexual relationship can be a major focus of dissatisfaction.

In a single context, it is important to consider that an individual’s relationship with their own sexuality, can still have an influence on how they interact with and relate to others in the broader context of friendship, family, and community relationships. A positive relationship with sexuality can support an individual in how they interact with others, whereas a negative sense of sexuality may be a barrier in relating to others. (5)

Given that sexuality is an integral part of human identity, a positive relationship with this part of our humanness leads to more integration and confidence, allowing us to engage deeply and authentically. (7) On the other hand, conflict within our sexuality such as internalised negative sexual attitudes or compulsive sexual behaviours, can contribute to shame, secrecy, and avoidance, taking away presence, focus, and connection from everyday relationships such as friendships. (9)

Given the relational nature of the sexual relationship, shared decision making is essential. The couple collaborates to become a sexual team, co-creating experiences with equal voice. Sexual expression is not just about one person focusing on solely their desires; both people are given a say in the couple’s sexual relationship. (1)